Koalas
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Friday, July 10, 2009
Trip to the Registry of Motor Vehicles
I was pleasantly surprised when I made my trip to the Registry of Motor Vehicles ... there wasn't a huge line-up. I landed there about 12:45 so I figure that most people would have been at lunch or at least thought that the building would be closed for lunch. Around 1, people started piling in. I was glad that I got there when I did. My husband gave me $70 dollars for my license but I told him he better give me a little more in case it was needed ... he wouldn't budge. I decided to take my purse along with me and it's a good thing I did because the license renewal cost $73. I had to use my debit card to pay for the extra $3. I got the dreaded picture taken and when it came time to take my new card I just tossed it in my purse without looking .. I didn't want to be traumatized ..lol With this bird's nest hairstyle I have there's probably a crow sitting on top of my head!
Hallelujah!
My old hair stylist just called and I have an appointment for Monday to get this bird's nest cut. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to get back in to see him but things went fine. I had been going to him for a number of years but then my niece and I patched up our differences so I started going to her again. We had a falling out a number of years ago, she just became angry for some unknown reason .. same as what happened this time and she stopped talking. Anyway, I thought he might be miffed that I stopped going over to his place but he spoke to me today like no time had passed. God I love easy going people. Bad communication can cause so much misery. I try my best to get along with people but I just don't know how to deal with those who are passive-aggressive or aggressive. I also don't know how to deal with people who are open and friendly one minute and then are rude and abrasive the next. Generally I just leave them to themselves and don't bother with the friendship. I know I need to learn assertiveness, I was told that by a psychiatrist back when I was 21 and I've only marginally improved since that time.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Disjointed Thoughts for July 9/09
* I decided to set my quit smoking date ... Sunday, July 12th. I have my patches and gum ready. I think I'll sleep in until 7 pm that day so I can skip the morning agony ...lol For some reason I find the evenings easier.
* While I was in my Addiction Services meeting yesterday my husband went to my sister-in-law's and delivered the card I had picked up. Although I was told by family members that she didn't want to talk about her situation, she told him that the doctor told her that her pancreatic tumors were cancerous. Apparently the surgery is going to take a long time and she's terrified. I think Michelle over at Smoochdog is right, a person should reach out regardless of the circumstances.
* Tomorrow I go to get my driver's license renewed. I'm not looking forward to the photo session. The last time I had this done I looked absolutely horrid in the picture. I'm not one of those photogenic people. The camera and I just don't get along. Many years ago I brought some photo albums into work and my crew member said, "Oh Laura these are terrible, they don't even look like you." I always refuse to get my picture taken whenever anyone comes hovering around with that dreaded piece of equipment in their hands. Tomorrow I should ask if I can wear a paper bag over my head and become the Unknown Driver!
* I finished training the new worker yesterday. She was great to have with me and I'll miss her today. The residents liked her as well. There wasn't many who came down to eat yesterday because it was liver night. Not many like it (I love it). Tonight I expect to have a housefull, I'll be serving sliced pork with gravy.
* My cat killed and ate another mouse yesterday. I'm in a quandary as to what to do about his deworming. If I do this and he continues to go out everyday during the summer it'll be nearly impossible to keep him clean. I wish I could keep him in the house but he manages to squeeze himself out anytime someone opens the door. He's too quick to grab. I used to have a cat we called "The Beast" ... he killed everything in sight .. birds, squirrels, mice, whatever he could get his paws on. I'd find feathers, squirrels' tails, remnants of rodents, all over the yard. He even managed to kill the childrens' hamster and I found the poor thing's legs under my son's bed. He was constantly full of worms and no amount of deworming helped. Eventually I just had to keep him outside. He disappeared one day and I never found out what happened to him.
* I received my next appointment for my counseling session over at Mental Health. Now I'll have to figure out what I'm going to talk about. I sort of lead the conversation during these meetings and I find this a difficult way of doing things, I'd rather have someone ask a lot of questions. I'll probably discuss my problems with anxiety.
* While I was in my Addiction Services meeting yesterday my husband went to my sister-in-law's and delivered the card I had picked up. Although I was told by family members that she didn't want to talk about her situation, she told him that the doctor told her that her pancreatic tumors were cancerous. Apparently the surgery is going to take a long time and she's terrified. I think Michelle over at Smoochdog is right, a person should reach out regardless of the circumstances.
* Tomorrow I go to get my driver's license renewed. I'm not looking forward to the photo session. The last time I had this done I looked absolutely horrid in the picture. I'm not one of those photogenic people. The camera and I just don't get along. Many years ago I brought some photo albums into work and my crew member said, "Oh Laura these are terrible, they don't even look like you." I always refuse to get my picture taken whenever anyone comes hovering around with that dreaded piece of equipment in their hands. Tomorrow I should ask if I can wear a paper bag over my head and become the Unknown Driver!
* I finished training the new worker yesterday. She was great to have with me and I'll miss her today. The residents liked her as well. There wasn't many who came down to eat yesterday because it was liver night. Not many like it (I love it). Tonight I expect to have a housefull, I'll be serving sliced pork with gravy.
* My cat killed and ate another mouse yesterday. I'm in a quandary as to what to do about his deworming. If I do this and he continues to go out everyday during the summer it'll be nearly impossible to keep him clean. I wish I could keep him in the house but he manages to squeeze himself out anytime someone opens the door. He's too quick to grab. I used to have a cat we called "The Beast" ... he killed everything in sight .. birds, squirrels, mice, whatever he could get his paws on. I'd find feathers, squirrels' tails, remnants of rodents, all over the yard. He even managed to kill the childrens' hamster and I found the poor thing's legs under my son's bed. He was constantly full of worms and no amount of deworming helped. Eventually I just had to keep him outside. He disappeared one day and I never found out what happened to him.
* I received my next appointment for my counseling session over at Mental Health. Now I'll have to figure out what I'm going to talk about. I sort of lead the conversation during these meetings and I find this a difficult way of doing things, I'd rather have someone ask a lot of questions. I'll probably discuss my problems with anxiety.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Yay for My First Session!
I went to my first quitting smoking session and am so stoked. It was nothing like I expected. I thought there'd be a tough love approach and I'd end up feeling like shit by the end of the hour and a half but I found it to be a very supportive environment. There was no hard pressure put on anyone to give a quit date or throw the smokes away immediately. We're to do this when we feel ready.
After we filled out our necessary paperwork the statistics were given on how many deaths can be attributed to smoking. In essence 50% of all smokers will die from smoking related illnesses. I basically suspected as much. Then we discussed what the program will cover ... lifestyle changes, relaxation techniques, using NRT to aid in quitting, etc.. We went around the room and introduced ourselves and told our stories about smoking and why we wanted to quit.
The biggest part of the quitting process is support they said. We're to use all that can help us to be smoke free. Besides the once a week sessions I go to there is group support on Thursday evenings. The program also provides acupuncture over at the hospital every week which you can go to for as long as you want. The main thing is to use everything at your disposal.
At the end they provided sheets to anyone who wished to have one that can be taken to any pharmacy and NRT aids are given to you for free. I asked for my sheet and picked up a large package of gum and a box of patches before coming home.
One thing I learned today that I never knew before is you can use as much NRT as you need. I can use the patches and gum at the same time. You're also able to use a 21 mg patch and a 7 mg patch at the same time. It all depends on how much you smoke. We were also told that if we use the patch and we're absolutely cracking and decide we're going to have a smoke, it's better to leave the patch on. They said that although the box warns that you can't do this that research shows that it would only happen if you were going to have a heart attack anyway. Apparently it takes roughly 30 minutes for the patch to go to work so taking it off and putting it back on only causes more problems.
Anyway, that's basically what we covered this morning. I'm so glad that I went. My husband was so inspired by it that he said that if I can make it 4 days without smoking that he would sign up for the program as well. I was blown away by that because up to this point he showed no interest in quitting at all. My aim is to begin my quit by my birthday which is on the 12th.
After we filled out our necessary paperwork the statistics were given on how many deaths can be attributed to smoking. In essence 50% of all smokers will die from smoking related illnesses. I basically suspected as much. Then we discussed what the program will cover ... lifestyle changes, relaxation techniques, using NRT to aid in quitting, etc.. We went around the room and introduced ourselves and told our stories about smoking and why we wanted to quit.
The biggest part of the quitting process is support they said. We're to use all that can help us to be smoke free. Besides the once a week sessions I go to there is group support on Thursday evenings. The program also provides acupuncture over at the hospital every week which you can go to for as long as you want. The main thing is to use everything at your disposal.
At the end they provided sheets to anyone who wished to have one that can be taken to any pharmacy and NRT aids are given to you for free. I asked for my sheet and picked up a large package of gum and a box of patches before coming home.
One thing I learned today that I never knew before is you can use as much NRT as you need. I can use the patches and gum at the same time. You're also able to use a 21 mg patch and a 7 mg patch at the same time. It all depends on how much you smoke. We were also told that if we use the patch and we're absolutely cracking and decide we're going to have a smoke, it's better to leave the patch on. They said that although the box warns that you can't do this that research shows that it would only happen if you were going to have a heart attack anyway. Apparently it takes roughly 30 minutes for the patch to go to work so taking it off and putting it back on only causes more problems.
Anyway, that's basically what we covered this morning. I'm so glad that I went. My husband was so inspired by it that he said that if I can make it 4 days without smoking that he would sign up for the program as well. I was blown away by that because up to this point he showed no interest in quitting at all. My aim is to begin my quit by my birthday which is on the 12th.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Disjointed Thoughts for July 7/09
* I went back to bed this morning, probably not a good idea but I knew I'd be sick if I didn't get sleep. I conked out until 12:30. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I'll sleep ok tonight. My son won't be off from work until 2 am so I'll be letting my husband pick him up. I can't afford to get into the habit of being up late.
* Addiction Services called me this morning. I'll be going to the first session tomorrow from 10 to 11:30. I'm going to need a lot of strength to make this work. My children are aware that I'm going to do this and have been very supportive. They want to see me quit. I think my absolute worst time is going to be mornings. It's such an ingrained habit to have coffee and smokes to wake me up. I'm going to try to enter into this with a positive attitude though. It's giving a gift to myself and my family.
* Today at work I had to train a woman to do my job. I was asking her some questions about when she was hired, what she thought of it so far, etc.. and during the course of our conversation she told me that her son died 3 weeks ago. I was really thrown back. He was only 31 and died of a heart attack. She also said her husband has had 3 surgeries this year, the most recent being just a couple of weeks ago. I told her how sorry I was for her loss and other stress she was suffering. I looked at this woman and was totally amazed at the strength she was showing during such adversity. I don't know anyone who would attempt a job 3 weeks after the death of such a close loved one. She said she couldn't bear being in the house. It really made me think about my problems with anxiety and how it paralyzes me. I look at others' ability to weather bad storms and I find it so inspiring. I wish I were that type of person. My husband said we're all different and that's true, I just wish I was wired differently mentally. Maybe with witnessing the strength of others I can learn to overcome my disability.
* Thanks to Barbara over at My Virtual Window and my friend Clarissa I decided to take some advice and purchased a "Thinking of You" card for my sister-in-law who faces surgery next week for tumors in her pancreas. She doesn't want to talk about it and I don't dare call my brother because he has a sincerely abrasive nature so I decided the right thing to do here is to send a card to let her know that my husband and I are keeping her in our thoughts and prayers.
* I'm feeling stable tonight. It feels good to not be strung out by anxiety or depression. I think going to work helped a lot. I was so thankful to Immi over at Migrainechow for giving me the link to DBT that helps you deal with life's stressors. I'm going to try to put some of the ideas into practice.
* Addiction Services called me this morning. I'll be going to the first session tomorrow from 10 to 11:30. I'm going to need a lot of strength to make this work. My children are aware that I'm going to do this and have been very supportive. They want to see me quit. I think my absolute worst time is going to be mornings. It's such an ingrained habit to have coffee and smokes to wake me up. I'm going to try to enter into this with a positive attitude though. It's giving a gift to myself and my family.
* Today at work I had to train a woman to do my job. I was asking her some questions about when she was hired, what she thought of it so far, etc.. and during the course of our conversation she told me that her son died 3 weeks ago. I was really thrown back. He was only 31 and died of a heart attack. She also said her husband has had 3 surgeries this year, the most recent being just a couple of weeks ago. I told her how sorry I was for her loss and other stress she was suffering. I looked at this woman and was totally amazed at the strength she was showing during such adversity. I don't know anyone who would attempt a job 3 weeks after the death of such a close loved one. She said she couldn't bear being in the house. It really made me think about my problems with anxiety and how it paralyzes me. I look at others' ability to weather bad storms and I find it so inspiring. I wish I were that type of person. My husband said we're all different and that's true, I just wish I was wired differently mentally. Maybe with witnessing the strength of others I can learn to overcome my disability.
* Thanks to Barbara over at My Virtual Window and my friend Clarissa I decided to take some advice and purchased a "Thinking of You" card for my sister-in-law who faces surgery next week for tumors in her pancreas. She doesn't want to talk about it and I don't dare call my brother because he has a sincerely abrasive nature so I decided the right thing to do here is to send a card to let her know that my husband and I are keeping her in our thoughts and prayers.
* I'm feeling stable tonight. It feels good to not be strung out by anxiety or depression. I think going to work helped a lot. I was so thankful to Immi over at Migrainechow for giving me the link to DBT that helps you deal with life's stressors. I'm going to try to put some of the ideas into practice.
The Magical Cure
So this is what it's like to have an anxiety disorder or an OCD problem or some form of brain dysfunction ... you don't sleep, your insides vibrate, you ruminate night and day, you pray for the normalcy that doesn't come. Or ... maybe it's just withdrawals .. lol
It's 6:30 am and I'm still awake. I went back to bed earlier and read for awhile but I still couldn't get to sleep so here I am once again typing away to soothe my jagged nerves. I told my husband that my anxiety was keeping me awake so he told me to scrub the hall floor ... hmm... couldn't quite envision myself turning the lights on and waking everyone up to accomplish that task. What concerns me is that later on I'll feel like toast and will want to return to bed but then it'll mean I'll have trouble once again trying to sleep tonight. What I need is the magical cure that will turn my brain off. Meds don't seem to do the trick. Oh they work for a period of time but then they seem to poop out. This was one of the reasons why I wanted to lower my Ativan. I was at a high dose and it still didn't seem to work. I built up a tolerance. There's no point in taking a medication that can cause unwanted side effects and on top of it doesn't seem to be doing you any good. It's weird though, you lower your dose and end up with the same symptoms if not worse than what you began with. Doesn't quite seem to be the magical cure you were seeking. I take Paxil, Lamictal, Ativan, Risperdal, and Gabapentin and still I suffer from depression and anxiety. I wonder what the answer to all of this is. My counselor tells me that I just have to accept the fact that I suffer from these things and to try to do things that will help me to feel better. What would make me feel better would be to shut my brain off and nothing as of yet has allowed me to do that. I guess self-soothing could be the key to my problem. I know meditation is supposed to help with that but I really find it difficult to do. My thoughts will just not stop invading my concentration on my breath. I try to let them just come and go but they cause me anxiety so I'm not able to get back to the breath. I'm not really familiar with other self-soothing techniques. Here I am rambling again .. lol Maybe this is a form of self-soothing ... getting all my thoughts out until I feel better. I actually am feeling a little better now.
It's 6:30 am and I'm still awake. I went back to bed earlier and read for awhile but I still couldn't get to sleep so here I am once again typing away to soothe my jagged nerves. I told my husband that my anxiety was keeping me awake so he told me to scrub the hall floor ... hmm... couldn't quite envision myself turning the lights on and waking everyone up to accomplish that task. What concerns me is that later on I'll feel like toast and will want to return to bed but then it'll mean I'll have trouble once again trying to sleep tonight. What I need is the magical cure that will turn my brain off. Meds don't seem to do the trick. Oh they work for a period of time but then they seem to poop out. This was one of the reasons why I wanted to lower my Ativan. I was at a high dose and it still didn't seem to work. I built up a tolerance. There's no point in taking a medication that can cause unwanted side effects and on top of it doesn't seem to be doing you any good. It's weird though, you lower your dose and end up with the same symptoms if not worse than what you began with. Doesn't quite seem to be the magical cure you were seeking. I take Paxil, Lamictal, Ativan, Risperdal, and Gabapentin and still I suffer from depression and anxiety. I wonder what the answer to all of this is. My counselor tells me that I just have to accept the fact that I suffer from these things and to try to do things that will help me to feel better. What would make me feel better would be to shut my brain off and nothing as of yet has allowed me to do that. I guess self-soothing could be the key to my problem. I know meditation is supposed to help with that but I really find it difficult to do. My thoughts will just not stop invading my concentration on my breath. I try to let them just come and go but they cause me anxiety so I'm not able to get back to the breath. I'm not really familiar with other self-soothing techniques. Here I am rambling again .. lol Maybe this is a form of self-soothing ... getting all my thoughts out until I feel better. I actually am feeling a little better now.
Good Things
What a weird night. I went to bed by 11 pm and read for awhile until I felt I could fall asleep and then when I finally did it was fitful at best. I woke up with a coughing jag ... thank you cigarettes ... and then I began having pain in my right hip which made it hard to change positions. I got up to go to the bathroom and checked my watch, it was only 2:45 so I groaned to myself because I knew I was starting to feel edgy and wondered if I'd be able to get back to sleep. Into bed I go ... still having the coughing jags and still experiencing the hip pain. I tried to talk myself down from the anxiety that was mounting but was unable to do it so what did I decide to do? Come downstairs and light up a smoke (good for the coughing) .. hmm, just remembered, Addiction Services didn't call me today like they were supposed to ... drink some coffee (good for the rattled nerves), and whine like a sonofabitch on here (good reading for any poor fellow insomniac).
Now it's 4 am and I'm wishing I were sleeping. I think what I'll probably do is go back to bed and read a true crime novel (good for relaxing the anxious mind) lol.
Now it's 4 am and I'm wishing I were sleeping. I think what I'll probably do is go back to bed and read a true crime novel (good for relaxing the anxious mind) lol.
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