Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Craigslist Yoga Mat Ad

Sooooo true of hot yoga. This was an honest-to-goodness ad placed on Craiglist....give it a read!


Yoga mat for sale. Used once. - $1 (Bellevue)


Yoga mat for sale. Used once at lunch hour class in December 2009. Usage timeline as follows: 

11:45a
Register for hot yoga class. Infinite wisdom tells me to commit to 5 class package and purchase a yoga mat. I pay $89.74. Money well spent, I smugly confirm to myself. 

11:55a
Open door to yoga room. A gush of hot dry air rushes through and past me. It smells of breath, sweat and hot. Take spot on floor in back of room next to cute blonde. We will date. 

11:57a
I feel the need to be as near to naked as possible. This is a problem because of the hot blonde to my left and our pending courtship. She will not be pleased to learn that I need to lose 30 pounds before I propose to her. 

11:58a
The shirt and sweats have to come off. I throw caution to the wind and decide to rely on my wit and conditioning to overcome any weight issues my fiancĂ©e may take issue with. This will take a lot of wit and conditioning. 

11:59a
Begin small talk with my bride to be. She pretends to ignore me but I know how she can be. I allow her to concentrate and stare straight ahead and continue to pretend that I don't exist. As we finish sharing our special moment, I am suddenly aware of a sweat moustache that has formed below my nose. This must be from the all the whispering between us. 

12:00p
Instructor enters the room and ascends her special podium at the front of the room. She is a slight, agitated Chinese woman. She introduces me to the class and everyone turns around to greet me just as I decide to aggressively adjust my penis and testes packed in my Under Armor. My bride is notably unfazed. 

12:02p
Since I do have experience with Hot Yoga (4 sessions just 5 short years ago) I fully consider that I may be so outstanding and skilled that my instructor may call me out and ask me to guide the class. My wife will look on with a sparkle in her eye. We will make love after class. 

12:10p
It is now up to 95 degrees in the room. We have been practicing deep breathing exercises for the last 8 minutes. This would not be a problem if we were all breathing actual, you know, oxygen. Instead, we are breathing each other's body odor, expelled carbon dioxide and other unmentionables. (Don't worry, I'll mention them later.) 

12:26p
It is now 100 degrees and I take notice of the humidity, which is hovering at about 90%. I feel the familiar adorning stare of my bride and decide to look back at her. She appears to be nauseated. I then realize that I forgot to brush my teeth prior to attending this class. We bond. 

12:33p
It is now 110 degrees and 95% humidity. I am now balancing on one leg with the other leg crossed over the other. My arms are intertwined and I am squatting. The last time I was in this position was 44 years ago in the womb, but I'm in this for the long haul. My wife looks slightly weathered dripping sweat and her eyeliner is streaming down her face. Well, "for better or worse" is what we committed to so we press on. 

12:40p
The overweight Hispanic man two spots over has sweat running down his legs. At least I think its sweat. He is holding every position and has not had a sip of water since we walked in. He is making me look bad and I hate him. 

12:44p
I consider that if anyone in this room farted that we would all certainly perish.

12:52p
It is now 140 degrees and 100% humidity. I am covered from head to toe in sweat. There is not a square millimeter on my body that is not slippery and sweaty. I am so slimy that I feel like a sea lion or a maybe sea eel. Not even a bear trap could hold me. The sweat is stinging my eyeballs and I can no longer see. 

12:55p
This room stinks of asparagus, cloves, tuna and tacos. There is no food in the room. I realize that this is an amalgamation of the body odors of 30 people in a 140 degree room for the last 55 minutes. Seriously, enough with the asparagus, ok? 

1:01p
140 degrees and 130% humidity. Look, bitch, I need my space here so don't get all pissy with me if I accidentally sprayed you with sweat as I flipped over. Seriously, is that where this relationship is going? Get over yourself. We need counseling and she needs to be medicated. Stat!

1:09p
150 degrees and cloudy. And hot. I can no longer move my limbs on my own. I have given up on attempting any of the commands this Chinese chick is yelling out at us. I will lay sedentary until the aid unit arrives. I will buy this building and then have it destroyed. 
I lose consciousness. 

1:15p
I have a headache and my wife is being a selfish bitch. I can't really breathe. All I can think about is holding a cup worth of hot sand in my mouth. I cannot remember what an ice cube is and cannot remember what snow looks like. I consider that my only escape might be a crab walk across 15 bodies and then out of the room. I am paralyzed, and may never walk again so the whole crab walk thing is pretty much out. 

1:17p
I cannot move at all and cannot reach my water. Is breathing voluntary or involuntary? If it's voluntary, I am screwed. I stopped participating in the class 20 minutes ago. Hey, lady! I paid for this frickin class, ok?! You work for me! Stop yelling at everyone and just tell us a story or something. It's like juice and cracker time, ok? 

1:20p
It is now 165 degrees and moisture is dripping from the ceiling. The towel that I am laying on is no longer providing any wicking or drying properties. It is actually placing additional sweat on me as I touch it. My towel reeks. I cannot identify the smell but no way can it be from me. Did someone spray some stank on my towel or something? 

1:30p
Torture session is over. I wish hateful things upon the instructor. She graciously allows us to stay and 'cool down' in the room. It is 175 degrees. Who cools down in 175 degrees? A Komodo Dragon? My wife has left the room. Probably to throw up. 

1:34p
My opportunity to escape has arrived. I roll over to my stomach and press up to my knees. It is warmer as I rise up from ground level - probably by 15 degrees. So let's conservatively say it's 190. I muster my final energy and slowly rise. One foot in front of the other. One foot in front of the other. Towards the door. Towards the door. 

1:37p
The temperature in the lobby is 72 degrees. Both nipples stiffen to diamond strength and my penis begins to retract into my abdomen from the 100 degree temp swing. I can once again breathe though so I am pleased. I spot my future ex wife in the lobby. We had such a good thing going but I know that no measure of counseling will be able to unravel the day's turmoil and mental scaring. 

1:47p
Arrive at Emerald City Smoothie and proceed to order a 32 oz beverage. 402 calories, 0 fat and 14 grams of protein -- effectively negating any caloric burn or benefit from the last 90 minutes. I finish it in 3 minutes and spend the next 2 hours writing this memoir. 

3:47p
Create Craigslist ad while burning final 2 grams of protein from Smoothie and before the "shakes" consume my body. 

4:29p
Note to self - check car for missing wet yoga towel in am.

Monday, March 26, 2012

Coffee snobs

you know what I've noticed a lot lately? Women who fall prey to the evil empire of consumerism. This isn't new, after all, the only measurement of ugliness is a result of our perception of beauty. When it comes to consumable goods like coffee, some people have their routines, and others just go with the flow.

Case in point, Starbucks, or heck, any chain. People don't go there for the coffee, they go for prestige and then by routine. Don't tell me it's cause it's a great cup of Joe, you unfortunately demonstrate you know very little about real coffee :P

So what got me going was the last time i was at the gym. Upon leaving I noticed a number of people crossing the street to get coffee from a crappy chain. What they missed LITERALLY next door was the local koffee shop owned by someone from the neighborhood. Maybe 'local' hasn't caught on yet, but the same people who get into yoga and spin class are the exact same who think it's cool to shop at the farmer's market--ergo it's cool to buy your coffee from the neighborhood shop.

Unless it tastes like bunk, but make sure it's not careful marketing that's affecting your tastebuds.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Only Hot Yoga?

I've driven by the place countless times, years perhaps (maybe it converted along the way), but apparently there's a hot yoga place just down the road from me. Not just a hot yoga studio, but ONLY a hot yoga studio. That's balmy temperatures 24/7 (or however late they're open). I guess I shouldn't be surprised that in a metropolitan city of a million + there would be enough demand to keep and exclusively hot yoga studio up and running (and I assume profitable), but part of me is.

I do'nt know everyone, but the folks who live around the place, excited there's a studio so close, never return cause hot just isn't their thing. Surprisingly, the studio offers nothing more, a bit strange since you cold probably fill ONE class a week. Maybe I'll say something....

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

More Yoga, Better Community

I was shocked to see the signup sheet for yoga at our local community center. It was totally full for the upcoming quarter. It seems as though yoga is an excellent way to take care of your body, but also to meet some neighbors! Have you tried looking for community driven yoga classes. Yea, anybody can go to the 'yoga store' but there's something unique and fun with hanging out with folks who live in the same community. I'll have to sign up next time before it fills!

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Trust Your Body

Hot Yoga 101 and rule #1 when starting off, trust your body. Your body knows. The instructor doesn't. Heck, they may even bump up the temperature for kicks (or by mistake). How will you know that you didn't have enough water and the class isn't pushing your body to the edge? Well you DO know. Trust the effects you feel, the feelings, the physical changes. The point of yoga isn't to come out first, if you want that go play football. Sit out if you have to, take a break, rest, relax, after all, you're there to improve, not to kill yourself.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Don't call me an expert

but for some reason paying 80 bucks for a hot yoga mat because it has special hot yoga powers (like super absorption) seems like a bit of a cash grab. I don't pretend to have all the answers, but I think there might be a bit of a mark up :P

Monday, March 21, 2011

Levels of Radiation

Check out this website: http://xkcd.com/radiation/

It provides a graph representation of all the different levels of radiation exposure we get (might get) in a lifetime. Really puts things into perspective when it comes to Japan. Although it didn't really relate directly to Japan (more to past disasters) it shows you what some brave souls are subjecting themselves to in an attempt to reduce the harm to the general population.